How quit smoking changed my life
Hi, this is my first story so I’ll try to make it a worth reading one.
Today is the 497th (18th August of 2016) day without a cigarette in my life.
Although this might sound a good achievement (and it is) this also brought me to the most challenging times of my life.
Let’s get to basics first: I was a ‘good’ smoker with a pack of cigarettes a day since my last year in college in 2012 and I was also an occasionally weed smoker.
I knew that smoking was bad for my health and finance, and since I had nothing to complain about my life, I decided I needed a challenge to shake a little my life.
I had a “supposed” meaningful life with good family, friends and job.
The company I work, and worked at the time, had a medical program defying the employees to quit smoking. I went to some sessions and they give you all the drawbacks of smoking, tell you how fucked you are if you keep doing it and how you’d need 10 years without smoking to get your lungs clean and so on…
I didn’t mention it so far but I really loved smoking, and I often used that as a win argument bullshit argument. That cigar after the breakfast driving on my way to work or that one after a coffee felt good, I mean, really goooooood.
In one of the awareness sessions the company’s Doctor spoke about a pill, CHAMPIX (every time I hear this name I get sick), that is very expensive and popular and has a very high success rate helping people quitting smoking. I decided to give it a try. Bad fucking choice. Nauseas, insomnia, vomit, etc. It took me only one month to abandon the darned pill.
Quitting smoking felt too easy at that time since I did not feel the vice of smoking taking over me.
It was all good but one day (somewhere in November 2016), out of the nowhere, a panic attack payed me a visit. At that time, I didn’t realise it was a panic attack and as the name suggest, I fucking panicked! I remember it was at family dinner in my aunt’s house, just across the street from my house. Since I wasn’t feeling well I went home early than my parents that day. When I entered my house my stomach collapsed followed by a panic attack.
I searched for help, professional help, from a psychologist friend of my mother. So next day I went to meet her. She made me feel good and hopeful as she explained me what happened and how she would help me overcome this.
Nevertheless, I soon found myself terrified thinking it would happen again. At this point I started fearing all types of situations because every single one of them was the “perfect situation” for another panic attack. Going to the cafe (something I did on a daily basis), going out for a drink, family dinners, you name it, fear had taken over me.
At this point I knew one think: A panic attack generates fear and it can turn into a phobia if not dealt properly.
Soon it began impacting my social as well as my professional life.
I have a large group of close friends that share a WHATSAPP group (how I fucking hate this WHATSAPP group shit sometimes), coffees, dinners all the time. It was impossible to dispatch them without raising suspicious. I was very indecisive to tell them what was going on since I didn’t completely understand it and didn’t think I needed to expose myself to that.
Despite my indecision I told my friends what was going on and they relaxed a bit with the invitations to dinners, lunches, coffees and other group activities that we used to do.
At this point I knew one think: having a lot of friends is not as friendly as it might seem.
On Work
Since my feelings were unstable I couldn’t hide them for long in work and my Manager obviously noticed it. At that time, it was very hard for me to talk about it so I wrote him through SLACK about the problem and told him I would talk with him about it as soon as it was possible for me. Being honest was the right thing to do and I was able to be a little less worried at work by shifting my focus from trying to improve my work as a Web Engineer to improve myself as a person first.
Another thing I knew: anxiety is a real issue and it can really have a huge impact in your career.
On Therapy
I began doing some psychotherapy and started reading a lot about the issue, it was also how I found MEDIUM, and it helped me to understand what was going on with me and that I wasn’t alone.
My therapist told me about mindfulness and offered me a book about it that I devoured it in 2 days and immediately started testing it in my day to day. I started doing some meditation (always guided), running a lot, walking a lot and try to live a more mindful life.
On Family
At that time, I was living with my mom and dad and since I’m an only child my parents care a lot, I mean a LOT. These times were very suffocating as they were often worried and I couldn’t do nothing to help them to ease that pain. We often went mad arguing about how I should take pills to help me, and so on. It was always against pills but eventually I took ESCITALOPRAM for 1 month to help me out through the most difficult times. This happened because panic attacks were a continuous threat: running, walking, driving to work, return from work, etc.
Another thing I knew: mindfulness, deep breathing and meditation are essential to a healthy life and you don’t need to go through a though situation to start it.
Another thing I knew: The answer is to accept that it can happen anywhere, anytime and you can only accept it. Sure deep breathing and other techniques help going through them but you cannot hide from one.
On Love
At the time this all happened I was dating my current girlfriend but it was nothing much too serious. When it happened, she was the one I was crying to, my safe harbour. She showed me what real love was by helping me regain control of my life, be happy and enjoy the simple things of life.
Me and my girlfriend became true best friends and real accomplices. She went spending 2016–2017 new year’s eve on a road trip with me through the north of Portugal and Spain. At that time, I realised how lucky I was to have her on my life and that she accepts me the way I really am, no filters needed.
2017 started slowly while I was learning some things about myself and started to adapt to the new me.
Today I live with Ana, my beloved girlfriend, and our rescued kitten Sebastião but I still don’t do things the way I did, and some are for the best.
Another thing I knew: I became more grateful about my life and this brought me to a more meaningful life, valuing all that I have and all that I’ve done.
On Fear
One of the things I now fear and don’t DO, are hangovers. That depressing feeling we feel in a hangover was something that I always hated and is now something that I really do well without. The era we live in is an era that we smoke more than we think and we drink more than we read so I find it really hard to explain the problems I’ve been through. Nowadays we are all more interested in what happens in WhatsApp Groups and Instagram Stories than what’s going on right in front of our eyes. It was hard for me to see this clear, but no I do and I can’t still turn off as much as I wanted from this fake reality.
Returning to the fear of drinking too much, I fear to lose control. So when I drink more than the usual I always alert for when the anxiety might kick in, even though this does not happen a lot. The social pressure to drink is in fact a real thing and my family and friends are a good example of that, forcing me to say to myself: ‘fuck them all, I have to do what’s best for myself’. It’s still awkward, but I now don’t care too much anymore about what others think.
I was really astonished on how people don’t know nothing about mental health. A lot of people neglect this and they really don’t question it. Even before this quitting smoking journey I thought about this and always treated with respect mental health issues. I can’t understand if my friends and family simply aren’t able to understand it and if that’s a good thing for them, like they say: ‘ignorance is bliss’.
One thing I know, is that I don’t have that choice.
I now live day by day, doing my best to be more mindful, healthy and happier. I know that that single panic attack changed my life forever and that I will need to continuously evolve and grow in order to free myself completely from this fear and overcome this huge milestone.
Back to the quitting smoking issue, was it worth it?
Hell yeah! I’ll never smoke a cigarette again and I am more evolved and grateful person for the life that I live.
Well, that’s all folks, hope you enjoyed it, if so, leave your feedback in a comment or your clap.
